Steps of Faith

Life is interesting, to say the least, and just like everyone, mine has been filled with up’s and downs, joys and sorrows.  I was diagnosed at a year old with Cerebral Palsy, a condition caused by a traumatic brain injury shortly after my birth. However, in spite of this condition, I have had the most amazing life and am thankful for parents who have stood by me from day one. Through numerous surgeries, countless hours of grueling physical therapy, and many other traumatic events, their love and support is a gift for which I will forever be thankful. Their greatest gift, however,  has been in showing me the love of Christ. 

My faith foundation is my pillar of strength-- both in the good moments and also in what seem like the endless dark ones; it is through the dark moments that I have uncovered my biggest blessings.  I am not going to pretend that every day is easy and I never feel discouraged, because this is often the case, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has a great plan for my life. Just as he has suffered for me, I will gladly do the same for him. Whenever I am feeling down and distraught, I constantly have to remind myself that Christ suffered willingly for me. Somehow, this thought gives me hope and gives me the strength to push forward.

My faith has been tested more times than I would like to admit, especially as I have tried to build a network of friendships. I was the friend that was always disposable, biodegradable, and recyclable. I quickly discovered that many of my “friends” were only there when it was convenient, and that most would disappear when something better or someone else came along that had more to offer. I realized this was not necessarily because of me as an individual, but because of the baggage that came along with me.  I moved more slowly in my walker, I couldn’t participate in many of the typical activities they were involved in, and it was just easier to push me aside and choose a friend who was more capable and more “fun”. There were many nights I was left sitting on my bed sobbing, questioning God’s plan for me and wondering what was wrong with me. My mother always told me that God has a plan and a purpose for me, and she would often quote Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” At the time, this was almost impossible to comprehend, but she refused to let my mind be intertwined in Satan’s deception that I was somehow flawed and of no value.

 I couldn’t comprehend why God had chosen me to bear such difficulties, and these unanswered questions led to “crippling” anxiety and deep depression, a condition much more debilitating than my orthopedic impairments.  I began having panic attacks in school, my physical and mental health deteriorated, and I felt as though I was losing the battle. The downward spiral continued for several years, and it really wasn’t until I made one of the biggest and most challenging decisions of my life—a huge leap of faith that would test everything I believed—that I began to see how God was truly working out His plan for my life.

It would take a move to a new state 350 miles away, a journey through college, and the purchase of a horse to remove the blinders from my eyes. After years and years of praying, God was finally revealing His big plan for my life. Now all I had to do was learn to hold on, keep the faith, and enjoy the ride.