Moving On...

With each lesson, my core strength, balance, and stamina improved. The changes I saw within my physical ability were remarkable: I could now sit straight in the saddle without the fear of flopping to the side; I learned how to post, which strengthened my leg muscles until eventually I was able to take a few steps unassisted (something I was told by my doctors would never happen and something which I had begun to accept would never be possible). The Lord knew the perfect starter horse for me when he brought Annabelle into my life, and I will always have a special place in my heart for this sweet mare. She gave me the strength and courage to do things I never dreamed attainable. She allowed me to see things through the eyes of an able bodied person. When I sat in the saddle on top of her and felt her legs carry me forward, for the first time I really knew the power of movement.

As time went by, my relationship with Annabelle continued to blossom. We shared many a trail ride and many oatmeal creme pies together. However, like everything thing in life, things change, and as my riding experience grew, my time with Annabelle was coming to an end. She was slow and steady, she was cautious and mindful, but she had no desire to increase her pace or put a little pep into her step. I longed for a little more energy and a challenge that would motivate me to be the best rider I could be.  As difficult a decision as it was, I knew it was only fair to both of us that I move on to a different horse.

When I first met Jett, I had mixed emotions: excitement for all the new things he would teach me, as well as a little apprehension about getting used to his different gaits; but I was ready for the challenge and wasn't going to let a little fear stand in my way. Although he was much older than Annabelle, he had a younger spirit and liked to move. He was a little faster, easily motivated, and more experienced ….everything I was looking for.  We bonded quickly and became so in tune with each other that riding him became second nature and he was all I thought about.

 I had promised Annabelle that even though I was moving on, she would never be forgotten. We would still have our special time together—and our occasional oatmeal creme pie--but that promise seemed to quickly fade. I had become so wrapped up in my new companion and in advancing my riding that I completely put Annabelle aside. Something better had come along, and she was no longer needed. It was then  I realized that I wasn't all that different from the friends who treated me this same way. I was shocked at myself that I was capable of treating a friendship as if it were disposable and easily replaceable. In my excitement each day to get to Jett, I simply ignored Annabelle. I had not even taken the time to simply rub her nose or give her a quick kiss as I was walking by her pasture.

It’s funny how the Lord reveals things, how even in the moments of our weaknesses and selfish desires, we are taught the importance of love, compassion, and complete acceptance. He used Annabelle to teach me so much more than just how to ride. He used her to teach me not only how to love, but also how to forgive.  

Embarking on the journey

I walked down the center aisle of the barn, my walker banging and clanging with every step I took. Large fans blew cool air across my face and brushed bits of hay past my eyes. Curious horses peeped anxiously over their stalls to see what was making such a commotion in their otherwise serene environment; several barn cats looked annoyed as they scurried out of my way. 

I stood there for a few moments, pondering this new experience, as I inhaled the scent of horses, fresh grass, sweet feed, hay. Coming from around the corner I heard a quiet voice say “You must be Mary… I am Dayna.”  The riding coach greeted me with a warm smile, and after talking briefly about my riding experience, she said, “Let’s go meet Annabelle.” She directed me to a beautiful bay, a Tennessee Walker with big soft brown eyes that gazed sweetly at me. I ran my fingers up and down her silky slick coat and showered her with kisses. Annabelle responded by gently nuzzling me with her velvet brown nose as if it to say, ‘’don’t worry… you are safe with me.”

Dayna showed me the importance of properly preparing the horse for the saddle, how to pick her hooves up to clean out the accumulated dirt, and which brush was designed for different parts of the body. I picked up a curry comb and began slowly working  in a rhythmic pattern, then used a soft brush to polish up the shine on her coat. This process was not only important for the physical well-being of the horse, but also for developing an emotional bond between the horse and rider, a bond that happened very quickly between me and this sweet mare.

 After the grooming process was complete, Dayna placed the pad and saddle gently on Annabelle’s sturdy back, showing me where the withers were located, how to tighten the girth, and the correct way to secure the bridle. It took a little creativity and a few trials and errors before we figured how to get me up into the saddle, but once in place, I slid my foot into the stirrup and picked up the reins. I felt as if I had reached the top of the mountain after a long and tiring climb. I knew right then I had found my spot in the world and that God was revealing his wonderful, beautiful promise for my life. I sat peacefully for a moment, taking in the experience, then smiled as I guided Annabelle into the arena.

 I spent most of the first lesson slowly walking around the enclosed pen, allowing my body to get used to the movement of the horse, as Dayna explained step by step everything that was taking place.  I was soon able to let go of the tension and anxiety that had been stored up in me for so long, and after a few laps around the arena, I felt my body relax and fall into rhythm with the horse.

When I felt comfortable and balanced in the saddle, Dayna said, “How would you like to try a little trot?”  I couldn’t believe my ears… this was huge… for the first time in my entire riding history, I was going to be allowed to have freedom with this beautiful animal; no lead lines, no people constantly hovering over me in fear just waiting for me to fall.  I was being treated just like every other student. This had never happened to me before, and I didn’t know what to think, but I knew in that moment I had found the perfect coach, an incredible barn, and I was beginning the journey of a lifetime.

               

In the Beginning....

I had made the 350 mile journey from Richmond, VA. to Chester, SC-- there was no turning back. All I could do now was rely on God and forge ahead. With each day that passed, school became a rather comfortable routine, and before I knew it, I was heading into my final year of college.

 I had one last free summer before graduation to take an adventure to Yellowstone National Park, one of my all-time favorite places. The itinerary was filled with several adventurous activities including white water rafting, fly fishing, and my own personal favorite… horseback riding (which was all I could talk about the entire week,  and I know I drove my mother crazy!). Although I had participated in several therapeutic riding programs growing up, this was one of the rare opportunities I had to ride in the wild.

Our slow moving line of horses ambled out of Roosevelt Lodge and headed into the quiet meadows of the Lamar Valley. The gentle gelding guided me down the rocky trail and over a small rippling creek, my body swaying like a rocking chair in the clean crisp leather saddle.  It was in that peaceful moment I discovered my passion and newfound freedom, and I couldn’t let it slip away.

[For people who have the ability to ambulate without any assistance, riding a horse might just be another hobby, but for me, it’s an unexplainable feeling. It’s as if the weights holding me down are finally being uprooted, and for the first time in my life, I am free. Free from the physical and emotional torments that have encased me for so long, free to soak up every ounce of God’s great beauty with each beat of the horse’s hooves.]

I began talking to my mother about my desire to ride and she agreed that I should pursue lessons. My aunt told me about an equestrian center not far from my home in SC and suggested I contact them. I immediately jumped on the opportunity, and my mother made the arrangements the week we returned from vacation.  The Lord took hold of my hand the instant this journey began. I soon found out the owner of the barn was a physical therapist who knew first-hand the importance of riding for people with disabilities. She was thrilled that I had taken an interest in this hobby and put me in communication with the riding instructor.

After explaining my circumstances to the coach, she said that even though she had never worked with a disabled rider, she didn’t see any reason why I couldn’t ride. We quickly proceeded to schedule sessions, with my first lesson slotted at the end of the week.  I could not believe how quickly God had placed His hand on this situation….a barn ten minutes away from where I lived, owned by a physical therapist, with a riding coach receptive to my special needs. This had to be God’s grace at work.

The day of the lesson, my mind raced with questions. Would I be able to maintain my balance in the saddle? How would the horses react to my walker? Would they be frightened by such a loud, shiny contraption on four rattling wheels? What would the other riders think of me?  Short in stature and limited in movement, I was the complete opposite of your typical equestrian--and wondered if the tall, athletic riders dressed so eloquently in their tan breeches and black boots would accept me into the barn?

 With all of these questions galloping through my mind, I knew I would never forgive myself if I gave in to my fears. With that, I took a deep breath, trusted God, and walked into the barn.

Steps of Faith

Life is interesting, to say the least, and just like everyone, mine has been filled with up’s and downs, joys and sorrows.  I was diagnosed at a year old with Cerebral Palsy, a condition caused by a traumatic brain injury shortly after my birth. However, in spite of this condition, I have had the most amazing life and am thankful for parents who have stood by me from day one. Through numerous surgeries, countless hours of grueling physical therapy, and many other traumatic events, their love and support is a gift for which I will forever be thankful. Their greatest gift, however,  has been in showing me the love of Christ. 

My faith foundation is my pillar of strength-- both in the good moments and also in what seem like the endless dark ones; it is through the dark moments that I have uncovered my biggest blessings.  I am not going to pretend that every day is easy and I never feel discouraged, because this is often the case, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has a great plan for my life. Just as he has suffered for me, I will gladly do the same for him. Whenever I am feeling down and distraught, I constantly have to remind myself that Christ suffered willingly for me. Somehow, this thought gives me hope and gives me the strength to push forward.

My faith has been tested more times than I would like to admit, especially as I have tried to build a network of friendships. I was the friend that was always disposable, biodegradable, and recyclable. I quickly discovered that many of my “friends” were only there when it was convenient, and that most would disappear when something better or someone else came along that had more to offer. I realized this was not necessarily because of me as an individual, but because of the baggage that came along with me.  I moved more slowly in my walker, I couldn’t participate in many of the typical activities they were involved in, and it was just easier to push me aside and choose a friend who was more capable and more “fun”. There were many nights I was left sitting on my bed sobbing, questioning God’s plan for me and wondering what was wrong with me. My mother always told me that God has a plan and a purpose for me, and she would often quote Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” At the time, this was almost impossible to comprehend, but she refused to let my mind be intertwined in Satan’s deception that I was somehow flawed and of no value.

 I couldn’t comprehend why God had chosen me to bear such difficulties, and these unanswered questions led to “crippling” anxiety and deep depression, a condition much more debilitating than my orthopedic impairments.  I began having panic attacks in school, my physical and mental health deteriorated, and I felt as though I was losing the battle. The downward spiral continued for several years, and it really wasn’t until I made one of the biggest and most challenging decisions of my life—a huge leap of faith that would test everything I believed—that I began to see how God was truly working out His plan for my life.

It would take a move to a new state 350 miles away, a journey through college, and the purchase of a horse to remove the blinders from my eyes. After years and years of praying, God was finally revealing His big plan for my life. Now all I had to do was learn to hold on, keep the faith, and enjoy the ride.